Feels Like Home
by Lindsey2
Summary: post season 10 - is it too late to fix the mistakes you've made in the past? chapter 2 up
1. Prologue

:this idea came to me, and I thought I would give it a shot. I will try to keep the story short, maybe 6 or 7 chapters, but we shall see how it goes! Please read and review:

**Feels Like Home**

_Prologue_

_2005_

* * *

_I can't remember when it was good_

_Moments of happiness elude_

_Maybe I just misunderstood_

"Monica, you…you can't do this to me." Chandler blocked Monica's way, refusing to let her leave the house. "You promised me you would never leave me! Do you remember?"

Monica shook involuntarily, clutching the suitcase tightly in her hand. "I…I am _so _sorry," she whispered, "but this isn't working."

"I don't understand! _What _isn't working?" Chandler asked, his voice breaking in emotion.

"I've tried Chandler, I really have," Monica let out a little sob and looked down at the floor, "but to know every single day that Jack and Erica are not really mine…I can't live with it."

"They _are _yours Monica!" Chandler grabbed Monica's arms and shook her gently, "You're their mommy." He added softly, trying desperately to catch her eye, but he had learned to accept she didn't do that anymore.

"I've always wanted children Chandler, _always_…" Monica whispered, "And when Erica gave us the twins, I thought that maybe it would ease the pain of not being able to have them with _you_…but it didn't. They don't even _look _like me."

"So you're just gonna leave?" Chandler asked tightly, "you're going to leave just because Jack and Erica don't _look _like you?"

"No!" Monica shouted in frustration, "You don't understand what it's like to be a woman Chandler! When Rachel and I were kids, we used to stuff cushions up our shirts to make ourselves look pregnant. We'd play house; we'd fantasise about our futures. It broke my heart when I realised I couldn't have them."

"But you _have _children, Mon. You have Jack and Erica," Chandler's lips trembled.

Monica shook her head. "I can't bond with them…I don't feel anything."

"You've spent every day for the last twelve months caring for them!" Chandler exclaimed, "How can you not feel _anything_?"

Monica lifted her hand and stroked Chandler's cheek. "I don't expect you to understand sweetie," she whispered, the tears spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks, "but it's just the way I am right now…and it's not going to change. I can't carry on living a lie. I don't…" she paused and looked away.

"I see," Chandler said quietly, "you don't love us."

Monica's head shot around and she faced him again, looking into his eyes for the first time in months. "Of course I love _you_…I will _never _stop loving you!"

"But you don't love Jack and Erica," Chandler looked at her darkly and stepped back from her, "Those two sweet, adorable babies have become a part of me. If you don't love _them_, you don't love me."

"Chandler…"

"You don't look at me like you love me anymore," Chandler interrupted her, "Each time you see me 'bond' with the children, you look at me like you hate me. As though I _shouldn't _be bonding with them, like I should be feeling the same way that you do. Cold…distant…" he stopped and swallowed hard as Monica started to cry.

"I…I can't help the way I feel," she whispered; "please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you," Chandler said, "I love you. You don't have to do this. I _know _that somewhere in your heart you love the children just as much as I do!"

She walked past Chandler and opened the front door.

"Goodbye," she whispered, walking out and shutting the door behind her.

Chandler stood resolutely on the carpet, feeling numb. There was silence in the house as the two most important people left in his life slept in their cots upstairs.

He walked up the staircase and paused outside the twins' rooms. Just three weeks ago, it had been their first birthdays. It had been a perfect day…or so he thought. Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe and Mike had arrived early with presents. Chandler had accepted them eagerly, but Monica stood at a distance with a strange look on her face. At the time, Chandler had thought it was nerves. It had been the first party they had hosted since moving into the new house 12 months before.

But Monica _loved _hosting parties. It hadn't made any sense.

It did now. Monica just didn't want to be there.

Chandler walked back down the stairs and sat down on the bottom step. What was he going to do now?

"She left? Just like that?" Chandler could easily sense the shock from Joey on his end of the phone. Everyone had assumed that the Bing home was perfect and happy…but it had been anything _but _happy. Monica hadn't just distanced herself away from the babies; she had distanced herself away from Chandler too. He didn't have the heart to tell Joey that he had been sleeping in the spare room for the last six months because Monica didn't feel comfortable around him anymore.

"Yeah," he replied, swallowing hard, "I…I don't know what to do Joe."

"Well, do you know where she went? You can't just give up on her now." Joey insisted. "All couples have fights. Go find her, sweet talk her and everything will be all right."

"She isn't coming back Joey," Chandler told him quietly, "This wasn't just a fight. She took her clothes and everything."

"And she left Jack and Erica behind?"

"They were part of the reason she left Joe."

"_Dude_…I'm so sorry. Do you want us all to come over?"

Chandler hesitated. Since he and Monica had moved away from the hustle and bustle of the city, they hadn't seen much of their friends at all. Phone calls to the gang had been few and far between, but Chandler realised that if there was a time he wanted to see his best friends, it was now.

"Sure," he agreed, "come over right now if you want."

"Chandler, we're gonna sort this out. You two belong together."

_All of the love we left behind_

_Watching the flashbacks intertwine_

_Memories I will never find_

__

_So I'll love whatever you become_

_And forget the reckless things we've done_

_I think our lives have just begun_

_I think our lives have just begun_

__

_And I feel my world crumbling_

_I feel my life crumbling_

_I feel my soul crumbling away_

_And falling away_

_Falling away with you_

__

_Staying awake to chase a dream_

_Tasting the air you're breathing in_

_I hope I won't forget a thing_

__

_Promise to hold you close and pray_

_Watching the fantasies decay_

_Nothing will ever stay the same_

__

_And all of the love we threw away_

_And all of the hopes we've cherished fade_

_Making the same mistakes again_

_Making the same mistakes again_

__

_I can feel my world crumbling_

_I can feel my life crumbling_

_I can feel my soul crumbling away_

_And falling away_

_Falling away with you_

_All of the love we left behind_

_Watching the flashbacks intertwine_

_Memories I will never find_

_Memories I will never find_

_[Falling Away With You – © Muse]_

:I know for my standards that was a little sad, but this chapter was necessary for what happens next.

And I really wanted to include Muse in here somewhere, because they are an awesome band:


	2. Second Best

**:thank you for the reviews, keep them coming!:**

**Feels Like Home**

**Chapter 2**

**Second Best**

* * *

Monica walked through Central Park, letting the cool, crisp breeze of late November blow through her hair. Her suitcase hung loose in her right hand while her left wiped the tears running down her cheeks. A part of her still had doubts about her decision to leave Chandler and the babies, but the sense of freedom she felt in her bones right now was a relief. She had felt trapped in her own home and trapped in a marriage she had been beginning to lose faith in. She knew the exact time when it _had_ started to go wrong of course, and looking back on it now, she had no-one to blame but herself.

_2004_

"Come on honey, if we don't leave now we're going to be late for your mother's birthday party!" Chandler whined, walking into the nursery.

Monica looked up from the twins' cots and smiled. "I just can't bear leaving them for so long." She said softly, "they're so…tiny."

"Tiny?" Chandler grinned, "Erica and Jack down their milk like they're preparing to go on hunger strike soon! You'd think they were one _month _old, not one week old!"

"Do you think Phoebe and Mike are going to cope ok?" Monica continued anxiously.

"They'll be fine," Chandler wrapped his arms around her from behind, "don't worry, we don't have to be at your parents' for long, right?"

"You weren't there when mom turned 40," Monica told him, smiling. "Her dinner _speech_ lasted half an hour alone!"

"Great," Chandler said sarcastically. "How old is she this year?"

"55," Monica replied, looking back down at the sleeping babies once more. "Maybe we can duck out after dessert." She added. "From what Rachel told me on the phone earlier, that's her plan too."

Chandler gave out a short laugh. "Typical. How is she anyway?"

"Ok…actually, she's great. This reunion with Ross has really made her realise what she's been missing for the last 7 years."

Chandler wriggled an eyebrow. "I see."

Monica slapped his arm and laughed. "That is _not _what I meant Chandler Bing!"

"Well, whatever you meant, if I catch Rachel leaving earlier than us tonight, we're right behind her." Chandler grabbed Monica's hand and pulled her out into the hallway.

"Goodbye my sweeties," Monica said, blowing a kiss into the nursery.

* * *

Monica stifled a yawn and looked around the room. She didn't know half the people here, her mother had really gone all out to invite just about everyone _she_ knew, that was for certain.

"This party blows," Rachel grumbled, looking at her watch. "I can't believe we didn't sneak out after dessert."

"That's a bit difficult when your boyfriend can't seem to tear himself away from that guy over there." Monica pointed to where Ross was standing chatting animatedly to one of the few guests who were their own age.

"Yeah who _is _that guy?" Rachel wondered.

"I bet anything he likes dinosaurs." Monica commented, smiling.

"Great, so I won't get out of here until at least midnight." Rachel moaned. "And it's only, like, what? 9pm?"

"Chandler is enjoying himself too," Monica said, arching an eyebrow at her husband who seemed to be in the middle of a heated debate with his father-in-law.

"Men…" Rachel rolled her eyes. "I suppose I had better drag Ross away soon. I can't leave Emma alone with Joey for _too _long."

Monica stood alone in the corner, hearing snatches of the conversation going on between her dad and her husband.

"No, no, Yasmine Bleeth was the greatest character on Baywatch!"

"How can you say that? Pamela was unique!"

Monica grimaced. She never thought she'd be hearing her father talk about fictitious, porn star look-alike lifeguards with Chandler.

"Not the most thrilling conversation you're ever likely to hear, is it?" An unfamiliar voice said behind her.

Monica turned around and smiled at a middle aged woman rolling her eyes with amusement.

"I'm Mary," she said, holding out her hand for Monica to shake. "I went to school with your mom."

"Wow, you've known her a long time!" Monica marvelled.

"Almost forty years," Mary said, smiling reminiscently, "she's a wonderful woman, your mother is."

"When she isn't annoying me, I suppose she is." Monica added, laughing.

"Your mother only annoys you because she cares," Mary looked at her seriously. "She will never stop caring for you. That's what mothers are for."

"Yeah, I'm just beginning to experience that." Monica smiled proudly, thinking of the twins.

"Oh yes…Judy said you have twins?" Mary prompted.

"Jack and Erica." Monica smiled happily, "Chandler and I adopted them as soon as they were born."

"You…you adopted?" Mary's eyes widened.

Monica's smile became even brighter. "Yes, but I still feel like I've gave birth to them." She giggled. "I know that's silly, but I just feel so…you know?"

"Yes, I know," Mary said quietly. "My husband and I adopted a child too."

"Then you _must_ know what it feels like!" Monica exclaimed happily, "I swear, it's the greatest feeling in the world to know that you can give all this love to a child who probably wouldn't get it from its birth mother!"

"Yes but…"

"Of course, Erica, our birth mom, would have been a _great _mother, but her circumstances were difficult. She was a single mother and not exactly aware of everything." Monica paused for breath, remembering how alike Erica and Joey were.

"Monica, I really think you've made a big mistake." Mary said tightly.

Monica's head shot to Mary's, shock rippling through her. "What?"

"As I said, I adopted a child. His name was Michael and he was the most adorable child there could be. We brought him up as best we could and we were happy for many years…" Mary paused, her eyes brimming with tears.

"What…what went wrong?" Monica whispered.

"When Michael was 12 he started asking questions about his birth parents. We couldn't provide the answers because we had adopted Michael through an agency. He started to…to search for his 'real' mother." Mary swallowed hard, as though the memory of what happened was too upsetting to repeat.

"Did he find her?" Monica asked awkwardly.

"Yes, he barged into this new life his 'mother' apparently had. He had brothers and sisters he had never met, a step-father too…and his mother was _so_ pleased to see him." Monica detected the bitterness in Mary's voice. "She welcomed Michael into her life."

"Well…well you can hardly blame Michael for wanting to visit his mom…" Monica stammered.

"His mom gave him up as a baby!" Mary exclaimed; "it didn't matter that her parents _forced _her to give up the child…she didn't have a right to suddenly want him again…and Michael, naturally, wanted her too."

"You…you mean…"

"Michael stayed with his new family more and more frequently," Mary said sadly, "eventually, after a few months of knowing them all, he went to live with them all permanently."

"You lost your _son_?" Monica gasped.

"You see, that's the thing Monica. Michael wasn't really our _son_," Mary told her, "or at least, he didn't seem to think so. You think everything is rosy in your life right now, but just you wait."

Monica frowned. "I really don't think Jack and Erica would just abandon me and Chandler. This is a completely different situation. Erica was a surrogate mom to us. She never wanted the babies."

"It doesn't make a difference to the children when they grow up my dear," Mary chided, "they're still going to want to know who their real mom is."

"_I'm _their real mom!" Monica said firmly, anger swelling up inside her, "I was the first to hold them at the hospital, not Erica!"

"I felt exactly the same way as you when Michael was still just an innocent little baby who didn't know any better," Mary said quietly, "things change. I'm really surprised Judy didn't tell you any of this. She supported my family through a difficult time."

"She…she never said _anything_." Monica whispered. Then her face hardened again. "It still doesn't make a difference. Jack and Erica will _always _think me as their mom and Chandler as their dad."

"When you pick up the children first thing in the morning, do you see yourself in them?" Mary asked quietly, eyeing her firmly.

"Well…well we can't really tell at this stage…" Monica stuttered.

"If you had given birth to those babies you would have known immediately." Mary interrupted, "I didn't, and I should have seen the signs that nothing was going to be right later on. Everything from their features, eyes, nose, even their _cry_…a mother knows when a baby is truly their own."

"I…I…look, you can't keep saying those things!" Monica said desperately, the first feelings of doubt creeping into her mind. _Did _she love the babies enough?

"I'm just speaking from my own experience," Mary said, pity and sorrow suddenly spreading across her face, "maybe you're right. Maybe Jack and Erica _will_ be content with…second best."

The woman walked away, leaving Monica reeling alone in her thoughts.

* * *

"Well, that party wasn't _all _bad!" Chandler said cheerfully as they drove home two hours later. "Your brother was really entertaining when talking to that friend of your Dad's. Turns out the guy watched _Planet of the Apes_ a _lot_."

"Uh-huh," Monica's muttered reply caused Chandler to frown with concern. She hadn't spoken a word to Chandler since they had left the party 15minutes ago.

"Hon, are you ok?" he asked quietly as he turned the corner into their neighbourhood.

"Of course!" Monica said brightly. "Wasn't that party _great_?"

In his opinion it wasn't genuine enthusiasm. He glanced at his wife worriedly once more before pulling into the drive outside their house.

* * *

The cries of Erica coming from her cot awoke Monica and Chandler in the early hours of the morning.

"I think it's your turn Mon," Chandler groaned, pulling the pillow over his head.

"Um…no I don't think so," Monica stuttered, pulling the blankets up towards her chin.

Chandler sat up slightly, leaning on one elbow to glance sideways at her. She avoided his eyes and stared up at the ceiling.

"It _is _your turn," Chandler insisted, a smile playing around his lips, "you can't play that trick with me. I _definitely _took the 1am shift."

"Can't you do it?" Monica pleaded.

"No, I can't," Chandler grinned and grabbed hold of Monica's hand gently, trying to pull her up. She resisted and snatched her hand away.

The smile faded from his lips. "Mon? Are…are you sure you're ok?" he asked anxiously. Monica _always _liked to check on the twins. It was usually her trying to drag _him _out of bed at 3am.

"I'm fine," Monica snapped, trying to blink away tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. She turned over to her side, facing away from Chandler.

"Fine," Chandler said coolly, "I'll go check up on them then."

Monica felt the sheets move as Chandler got out of bed and left the room.

As Erica's cries got louder and Jack started to join in, they drowned out the heartbreaking sobs coming from Monica.

**End of Chapter 2**


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